User blog:High Prince Imrahil/The Wiki Family - Family Secrets
Itallie Wiki sipped quietly on her tea, and glanced around the dining room. "Where did Dragon go?" she asked aloud. Although she certainly didn't miss him, he was usually present for family meetings, and the fact that he had disappeared was a little unsettling. "I haven't seen him all day." Imrahil looked up from the various papers and folders that were scattered haphazardly on the table. For the past hour he had been going over them with Itallie and Faenor, all the paperwork that made sure the family government ran smoothly. "I'm sure he's just grabbing a snack or something." replied Imrahil lightly, browsing the expense column of the budget again. He grimaced. "How the blazes do we spend this much in grocery bills?" Itallie merely stood and stretched her legs for a moment, sore from sitting so long in uncomfortable dining room chairs. "You just keep on with that, Imrahil. I'm going to go make some more tea." Imrahil grunted an agreement without taking his eyes from the budget report. All-in-all, a normal day in the life of Itallie Wiki. - ---------- - Itallie's journey became notably longer when she realized she had forgotten her PG Tips Loose Tea in her room. So it was a winding journey through the house's long hallways and even longer staircases. But standing on the landing at the top of the steps, she heard a whispering voice. "No one can know! It would be disastrous!" It was coming from the Dragon's room. "It's obviously the uttermost of secrets. After all, I'm technically only talking to myself..." The door to Dragon's room was slightly ajar. A large recently-tacked-on plaque read: ROOM OF SECRETS "If anybody found out about this secret... it would be awful. The end of the entire family. Of the entire state. Of the entire world!" Against every ounce of her better judgment, Itallie cautiously pushed open the door. All the lights were out, save a single lamp shining on Dragon like a spotlight. Dragon himself was dressed in black robe, talking to the darkness like a character in a play. Seeing Itallie, Dragon yelped, and leapt backwards. "Why are you talking to yourself in here?" asked Itallie, shaking her head. "And what'' is'' here, anyways? This place is darker then Tyberious's soul. Open a window for Pete’s sake." "Oh, but Itallie!" exclaimed Dragon, melodramatically crestfallen, "You see, I must stay in the dark, for it is the only place I can reside. For I have the darkest of all secrets. This secret... it is too big to comprehend... but at the same time it'' must'' be told! Even if it changes your entire world." "This secret involves me?" asked Itallie, raising an eyebrow. Dragon nodded sadly. "Yes, Itallie. That's why I invited you here. I should have had the courage to tell you already, but alas! I am a coward! But now I must reveal to you the true secret of our family..." "Uh-huh." replied Itallie, rolling her eyes. She turned on her heal and walked back towards the door. "I'll see you later, Dragon." Dragon collapsed to his knees, and threw up his arms. "But... don't you want to know what the secret is, Itallie?" Itallie snorted. "If you had told it to me like a normal person, I might have believed you. But going through this much trouble? Clearly you're full of sh-" "Secrets, yes!" cut in Dragon coolly. "If you must go, then I must tell you right now. The truth is... The truth is... I'm your biological father!" Itallie sighed and threw up her arms in exasperation. "This is why we don't spend time together, Dragon. Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time? Why is Imrahil the only one that gets the ‘nice’ Dragon, but everyone else gets... whatever this ''is supposed to be?" Dragon remained on his knees, his arms outstretched. "What now?" snapped Itallie. "Your father wants a hug. Come on, lil' 'Tal. Bring it on in. We have so much to catch up on." Itallie growled. "Glosur is my father. That should be really obvious." "Really, Itallie? Think about it for a second. Glosur and what’s-her-face bring a girl like you into the world? Sure, maybe those two could’ve made an ‘Imrahil’ type of kid, but a brilliant girl like you? A master of debate? Sounds like you might have a little more Dragon blood than you know." he pulled a corncob pipe out of nowhere and stuck it in his jaw. "Uh-huh." Itallie rolled her eyes and made for the door once again. "Wait, ''wait!!" wailed Dragon. Against her better judgment, Itallie turned to look at her uncle once again. "You always were a smart one." said Dragon with a sigh, "you have passed my test and proved yourself worthy of the true ''family secret. The truth is... our family is actually a cell of Russian sleeper agents from the Cold War." "That doesn't even make any sense!" "Of course it does." said Dragon soberly. "Think about it. Chaz... yourself... Chaz... all three of you love the Soviet Union. That's because you were born and raised that way by your father: Secretary Stalin!" Itallie felt confused. "Wait, are you saying that Stalin is my father? Or that Glosur is Stalin who's my father?" Suddenly, her eyes went wide. "BAH! Why am I even talking about this?! This is absurd!" "You're two-for-two on recognizing my false secrets." said Dragon very seriously. "This only proves that you are all the more ready for the ''true family secret, the most secret of secrets in the history of the world. The truth is... I'm actually Tyberious in a clever disguise." Itallie blinked. "Dragon, I'm never coming into this room again." "Haven't you ever wondered why you never see Tyberious and I at the same time?" asked Dragon, waggling his eyebrows. "Clearly, there is a nefarious purpose at work!" Itallie put her head in her hands. "Can we just move on to the next big life-changing secret? I need to finish the budget analysis for Dad." She grimaced before adding, "and I mean my real ''dad, the one that actually ''gave birth to me." "Fine." replied Dragon stoically. "You always were too smart for your own good. You see the truth is..." "Stop saying that!" yelled Itallie, "none of this is the truth! You have yet to say anything that makes even the slightest bit of sense! What next, I'm the reincarnation of Boadicea?!" Dragon smiled warmly. "At last, Itallie, you have accepted the truth of who you really are. You see, everyone in our family is reincarnated. Faenor was once Erwin Rommel. Imrahil was once J.E.B. Stuart. Eureka was once Steve Jobs." Itallie buried her head in her hands once again. "You realize that after this conversation I'm never talking to you again, right?" Dragon thought for a moment. "Worth it. But think about it! Boadicea was fierce and devoted to her cause, just like you! Her Saxon uprising was a-" "Boadicea didn't even lead the Saxons!" screamed Itallie in exasperation, "She led the freaking Celts! At least try to get'' some'' of your facts right!" "Only a true reincarnation of Boadicea would know that much about her." replied Dragon. After a moment of silence, he resumed. "Again, you just had to see right through my lies, hadn’t you? All this time, I’ve only been trying to protect you from the truth—hopeful that you’d accept one of these lesser truths and simply call it a day. How stupid of me. How naïve! You’ve known all along, haven’t you? That you were always much different from everyone else." "I shouldn't have gone up here for the tea in the first place..." mused Itallie. "The truth is, Itallie..." continued Dragon, un-phased, "you're Uncle Dragon and I'm Itallie." Dragon put on a fake blonde wig. Itallie looked down at her vest and discovered that Dragon's government lanyard and identification card were hanging around her neck. How he got it there, she didn't even know. "You see," continued Dragon, "ever since the-" "All right. Works for me," said Itallie matter-of-factly, walking out of the room. "Now I have this nice identification card, and I can get into all sorts of government stuff." Dragon gulped dryly. "You… believe this? Really? Don’t have any more questions to ask, perhaps?" "Nope." replied Itallie, whirling the lanyard in the air. "I'm good with this. What a total shock this was, eh? I was Dragon this whole time? Makes about as much sense as the rest of your secrets today. If you need me I'll be at the Governor's mansion." "Umm..." Dragon helplessly watched as Itallie marched across the room and out the bedroom door. "Wait! But this wasn’t the big secret! The real truth is I can’t read! I couldn’t read the label on the door and thought this was the bathroom!" While storming out, Itallie just clicked her tongue. "Itallie!" he shrieked. "Give me back my Gov ID card right this instant! This isn’t how my pranks are supposed to work and you know it!" Category:Blog posts